Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
