i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
