Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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