R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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