I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
