I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize