Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You have to summon your inner elephant
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
