Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
