best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Couch. On fire.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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