So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
