4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
