i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
