my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize