My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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