Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
