some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize