someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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