The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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