Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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