Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
