look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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