hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize
