Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
