Pants 0. Shit 1.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
