I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
