Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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