So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
