come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have fence marks all over my body
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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