Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
The uberlube is also flammable
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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