I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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