after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
