Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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