Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
