Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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