whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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