I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Sober January is a disaster.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize