just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
