new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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