Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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