EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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