my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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