I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
