she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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