the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
