I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
The adults are the big ones right?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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