I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
