I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
another moral hangover. fuck.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
