Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize