drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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