Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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