It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
