If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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