I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
