she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
