can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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