I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
