i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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