This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
