Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
