im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
