I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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