I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
