You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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