I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
