Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
