she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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