i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
