Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
