I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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