I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
