Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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