I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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