They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
