Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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