Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
