Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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