i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
