I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You're a waste of cheezeits
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize